I went to the doctor today for my long suffering butthole and they weighed me, like they do.

I had gained six pounds. This places me around the highest weight I have ever been, the first time when I was pregnant, the second a few years later, and then now. Also, it is possible I have been this weight, or maybe even higher, at other times: I don’t have a scale in my house so unless I go to the doctor my weight is unknown to me.

I was disappointed when I saw that number come up. I stopped taking aripiprazole, which worked great for my mood, due to concerns about liver problems and tardive dyskinesia, sure, but mainly because I hoped I would lose the weight I had gained on it. (My husband was very against me stopping aripiprazole for this vain reason, even with the other concerns). I have no idea if I actually lost weight stopping aripiprazole or not.

Later, I lost some weight when I was grieving the loss of my beloved dog who died unexpectedly after surviving surgery for liver cancer. I just didn’t want to eat during the first few months of my greiving. It was awful, and like nothing I had experienced before: I had always been able to maintain my appetite before. But this particular grief was so sharp, it took away my desire for food. Sometimes, during this period, people would praise my weight loss, and it made me confused because I knew it wasn’t anything approaching “healthy” weight loss that I was going through.

I assumed I hadn’t gained weight when I went to the doctor: my rings hadn’t been too tight (there was a time I had a hard time removing them as my fingers had become too large for them).

I have been eating normally and being much more active since the start of the new year. I have been cooking a lot of my meals, and just doing more stuff in general rather than languishing on the couch. (I still take a nap almost every day though).

And still I gained weight. I am able to be more gentle with myself about this than I usually would be. My commitment to intuitive eating did not waver in light of this new information. I didn’t start looking for places to cut calories. I bought cookies at the store despite my weight gain.

I am a size 14, the smallest fat. I have the most proximity to thinness of fat people, I have the most thin privilege of all fats. I still struggle, my family of origin and the society at large hate fat people. But my experiences at the doctor, in the hospital, on airplanes, and with seating are very different from larger fats. I know all this, and still I struggle: should I put sugar in my mushroom tea? Should I track what I eat? Should I track my weight? What if I gain more weight?

The fat liberation movement has helped me so much, I am so thankful for those who started and continue this critical work. While I was still disappointed when I saw I had gained weight, I absorbed the information without descending into self hate and body hate. I would not have been able to do this without a framework of fat liberation principles. So thank you fat activists for all that you do. May all fats join together to ensure there is access and fairness for all fats, especially the infinifats and superfats.