Today is my 43rd birthday. I am doing the best I’ve done in a while. I attribute that to prioritizing rest, learning about Autism, and attempting to live a values directed life ©. I think that’s the term. It’s an OCD term for living your values while your mindscape is a battlefield. I don’t have consistent internet here at the Toadstool, so I can’t look it up. The Toadstool is a funny earthship type cabin where I am spending my birthday alone. I was planning to go hiking but then it started hailing! In April! I am not actually surprised: it snows on my birthday frequently. It was snowing earlier. There has also been rain. Also: it is very cold and gray.

The walls here are thin. There are two older ladies staying in the other portion of the house (Earthstar). I can hear everything they do or say. I have heard them complain of pain. I have heard them burp and assume they have heard me do the same. I feel self conscious about listening to music, so far I have existed here in relative silence.

This is my first birthday I have thought I might be Autistic. My friend who was later diagnosed with Autism told me she thought I might be Autistic a long time ago. I think I got offended when she told me. After some conversation, the two of us decided I wasn’t Autistic because I cared what other people thought of me and had BIG feelings. Later, of course, I learned this not caring what others thought was Alexithymia, a frequently, but not always co-occurring condition with Autism. So I could be sensitive and Autistic. I could be a person who cares what other people think and be Autistic. Though I must say, I am caring less what other people think as I age, and it’s liberating.

I have been reading female Autism subreddits, and much of it resonates. I learned women with Autism frequently have exhausting psychiatric histories: that’s what kinda tipped me off that I could be Autistic. I am waiting to get tested, it’s nerve wracking not knowing for sure. I refuse to self diagnose, I know a lot of people do, but I am not willing to take that path.

Well, it seems the precipitation has stopped for now, I might try some hiking in the cold. Tonight will be my spring trip, two grams of mushrooms to perhaps peek behind the veil. I set off the smoke alarm earlier cooking a smoked salmon scramble, I am sure it will go off again when I sear my ribeye. Birthday love from the Toadstool.