I had to do a sleep study back at the beginning of the year (fun fact! I have four sleeping disorders). I kept track of my sleep using a form they gave me for a few weeks before the study to see where I was at in terms of my sleeping schedule. The results of my tracking were both intriguing and horrifying: I didn’t have a consistent sleep schedule AT ALL.

After that experience I decided I would try to improve my schedule as best I could, and I would continue to track my sleep so I could see how it was going. I tried a few apps and none of them did what I wanted or were easy to use, so I just made a spreadsheet. My sleeping schedule is still pretty inconsistent, but I know exactly how much now.

I also try to track my drinking and drug use using an app called (hilariously) dose. This was the only app I saw that was more focused on tracking use, rather than a path towards abstinence (I love drugs! I think marijuana and psychedelics improve my life! Drinking is more questionable, but at this time, I am not trying to curb my use).

I track my (weekly) showers in my google calendar. Google fit tracks my steps and yoga practices when I use another app called down dog (the two can be linked!). I have an IUD but I still get some spotting, I am thinking of looking at it in a period tracking app to see if it adheres to a cycle.

So much data about my everyday life! I don’t even know exactly what I plan to do with all this information I collect, am I trying to improve my life? That seems to be the most common narrative surrounding tracking. I don’t think I am though: I’m just witnessing my life and checking for patterns. What will I do if I identify a pattern? Again, I am not sure, I’m just gathering and questioning. Everything in this culture seems geared towards self improvement but I don’t want to play that game. I don’t want to maximize myself.

So, since I don’t track with improvement in mind, it almost seems pointless, ALMOST. However, this non-improvement focused tracking does allow me to see myself as I am. I don’t have to question if it has been two weeks since I showered; I can check and see. It is hard to remember to track all these things and it takes up a surprisingly large amount of time but it is something I am doing this particular season. For now, I am collecting and analyzing the minutiae of my life, just because.

First some housekeeping: I have decided to try to update this blog on Wednesdays. Obviously, sometimes life gets busy and whatnot, but I will update by the time I go to Shabbat on Fridays.

I had pretty much settled into my life now, my life as a not working, not going to school person. I am so busy, too! I have this blog, learning about Judaism, my LWV meetings, going to all my appointments and getting my son to his, all the house stuff, and so on and so forth. Many things.

But now my township is looking to appoint a new fiscal officer. The old fiscal officer has become a trustee, there is now a vacancy. My friend works as a fiscal officer for a larger township. She says she works about 30 hours a week. She and I did some investigating, and my township will pay around $23,000 a year for the job, more than I have ever made (I have not been a good moneymaker this lifetime).

I have made a pros and cons list and it is even. So I am going to apply and see what happens. Me, a maybe someday elected official! Can you imagine?

Recently, I learned the number one search on pornhub right now is “Ukrainian Girl.”

I was disgusted by this. What does it even mean? Men want to rape “the spoils of war?” They want to fuck women with their empire? Ultimate dominance of the vulnerable? I don’t know.

I don’t watch porn often because when I do, I start up with feminist analysis of it, and that just doesn’t make me feel sexy. My husband has a 70’s porn from Denmark or something called Frisbee Fuckers. It’s pretty fun: it’s full bush action and everyone appears consenting and looks like they’re enjoying themselves. I want to find some feminist porn but it is a pretty low priority. I mean, both my husband and I are on SSRIs, so sex is not as plentiful as it once was. I don’t really even care, it’s just one of those things that isn’t a big part of my life right now.

I try to work, and I keep thinking of World War III I try to talk to girls and I keep thinking of World War III
The goddamned six o’clock news makes sure I keep thinking of World War III
I got a mile of numbers and a ton of stats
Of warheads
A billion Chinese with warheads
I don’t even worry about crime any more
So many goddamned scared faces
I keep thinking of Russia, of Russia
Paranoid, stuck on overdrive
Paranoid, scared shitless

Minutemen, 1985

Russia invaded Ukraine yesterday. I haven’t even read the news about it yet. I feel unstabilized: my heart beats fast, my stomach clenches, my breath quickens.

I am going about my normal things. I don’t know when I will read about it in depth. Violence, and especially war, make me literally sick.

Welcome to my first post of nightmare timeline. It is where we are living.