Well, one day short of eight weeks, I finally got my Affirma genetic tests for my thyroid nodule back. It came back “suspicious.” This apparently means there is more than a 50% chance it is cancer. Yesterday I had the nodule on the other side biopsied, it is slightly below threshold for biopsy, but my endocrinologist wanted to check it so we would know if I should have a partial or total thyroidectomy. Either way, I am losing half of my thyroid. Thumbs down.

I know in my very last entry I said something to the effect of somewhat hoping I had cancer so I could rest or something? Definitely not feeling that way now. I know I can be weird about wanting things to be “worth” something, as in, it wouldn’t have been worthwhile to go through that long, hellish wait if it wasn’t cancer. I don’t know. I was wrong regardless. I always feel like I am wasting things, like somehow me getting checked for thyroid cancer and it not being cancer would take healthcare away from someone else who needed it more. Anyway, the point is, I am unhappy that I might have cancer, I am unhappy that I have to have surgery, I am unhappy that at least half of my thyroid is coming out.

To add to all the medical turmoil, I also found a lump on my breast on February 18th and I am getting that looked at tomorrow. If I have double cancer, I will be upset. I am already waking up at 4am everyday now, it’s becoming a habit. I’m losing my cool. I make more mistakes. My patience has shortened. I didn’t think I was masking my autism that much, but now I am not able to mask as well, I can see that I was masking more than I thought. I’m still not totally decided on whether masking is a bad thing overall. I know that’s the current narrative, I read Dr. Price’s book, I know it’s supposedly bad because it’s so exhausting. But, like, it’s also exhausting to not have people take you seriously because you aren’t masking enough? I stim pretty much whenever I want, but if I am dealing with people I want to take me seriously I try to move my face more and not talk in a monotone voice. And it works? People feel more like they can connect with me when I do that. I seem less robotic, more human to them. It’s dumb because, yes, I should be able to be taken seriously and be seen as fully human without doing those things, but that’s not where the world is right now.

I’m just moved from one limbo to another, now I wait to see the status of my other nodule, and then I wait to meet the surgeon. If the breast thing is something, then more waiting will ensue there as well. Then once I have my thyroid surgery, I will wait to see if it was cancer. And if it was I will be checking back forever to see if the cancer has come back. I am trying to relax into all this mayhem, but that’s just a cerebral façade, my body is terrified and displeased by all this uncertainty and it reminds me of this each morning at 4am.